A Journey of Self-Discovery
As I embark on this healing journey to heal my inner child, I am forced to face everything I have suppressed for so long. I never wanted to think of horrible memories or remember what has been forgotten. For as long as I can remember, I have been in survival mode. But why do we react the way we do? Why do we follow the same patterns and attract the wrong people? It's because of something that has happened to us. It may be small, it may be minor, or it may have been larger than us.
For years, I have been repeating the same behavior, and it just occurred to me why. As I write my past down on paper, I am forced to be that little girl all over again. I remember the time my mom said I needed extra help in school, taking classes with kids who needed special assistance. As a child, my whole world fell apart. Why? Why would my mom just decide this and enforce it with the school? I remember sitting on the corner of the living room, balled up on the floor, crying about this. Why was she not telling me why? Why was she not listening to me? Other kids were going to make fun of me. My mom was laughing at something on the TV, and I grew even more emotional. She then saw me and yelled, “Why are you crying?” My emotional reaction, with tears streaming down my face, was because she said I needed to take special classes. Her reaction was, “Are you serious?”
Going back to my inner child, I would sit next to her, hold her, and ask, “Why are you feeling this way? Is it because no one is telling you why it came to this?” She would say, “I know why. She doesn’t help me succeed or believe in me. She wants to keep me home from school to run her babysitting business so she can leave the house or take a nap. Or telling me I can’t do homework, I need to take care of the dog pens, cats, and clean whatever needed to be done. There was no opportunity for help with homework.”
As I write this, a memory came up. There was a time I was sitting at the end of the couch with a book. I was looking at it and read something that made me laugh. My stepdad said, “You can’t read that book, so why are you laughing?” I sit here crying at the thought of this little girl and what she went through. This is where my feelings of not being good enough, not being capable, and thinking “I can’t” come from. When I look for recognition, praise, or a “good job” in my adult years and don’t get it, I shut down. I become cold and silent like that little girl.
My marriage, like all marriages, has its ups and downs. Suppressing these memories is affecting more than I realized. Postpartum did me no favors either. Now here I am, doing the work and realizing it before it becomes too late. I am facing these memories head-on and noticing the patterns and the ripple effects they have caused in my past, present, and could cause in the future if I don’t change them. Just with this memory, I need to speak up, ask questions, understand the emotions this is causing, and communicate to resolve. No more hiding.
Starting my business, Luna Mama, I was faced with the same feelings of not being good enough, failing, and sadness that haunted my inner child. I started this business to create something, something to succeed in. Yet, I did not get much support from anyone. No one really understood, including my husband. So I shut down and told myself, “This is stupid, what am I doing? I can’t do this!” Then, finally, after doing my inner child work and communicating, a breakthrough came.
One night, while sitting in bed on the verge of tears, my husband walked in. He asked, “Are you okay about dinner?” “I’m fine,” I replied, and then the stream of tears rolled down my face like that little girl. I confessed, “I am unhappy, I don’t want to be here, I want to move back to Colorado to my support system. To the place that makes me the happiest. How come you will support all of your friends?” Earlier, my husband had been congratulating a friend on buying a house and agreeing to support another friend at an open mic night. “Why are they getting your support? I have worked all my life, held multiple jobs, supported us, and made things happen. Why are you not supporting me in starting a business?” I poured my soul into Luna Mama, and I was at my breaking point. I needed to be saved from myself.
The next day, after a ride to clear my head, I sat on the stairs and told my husband what happened, why it happened, and what I needed from him so I could begin to heal. This journey of healing my inner child is not easy, but it is necessary. Each step I take brings me closer to understanding myself and breaking the patterns that have held me back for so long. It's about time I give my inner child the love, attention, and validation she has always deserved. This is a journey toward self-discovery and a healthier, happier future.
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